April 16th 2008
Today our people you will see a great Phoenix rise from the ashes. Gone are the days when people used to mistakenly and ignorantly think of our glorious town as a dying mill town with racial divisions and a profligate council with no sense of direction. Today people, we the mighty O.M.B.C. or just plain old O.C. (just like the popular American series featuring the same lettering folks!) will allow you to see what we have spent so much time and sweat creating for you out of your hard earned money.
And you will like it!
If you do not you are clearly a dissenter who can have no place in the modern world we have created as a shining beacon of democracy for all the world to marvel at. Dinosaurs like you will have to be ignored as the rest of us have to move on to the next level. When the day comes we shall be swept upwards to a new plateau and you must stay behind. Thats the price of your ignorance. Join us while there is still time and you could be saved. Anyway where was I, oh yes! what is this modern marvel I hear you cry? What can be so fantastical that only those with the highest authority and the pure wisdom could create for you to marvel at? Prepare to be astonished because here is the solution to all our towns perceived but yet not real problems. And we shall call it a LOGO!
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New logo |
Hands across the borough version |
This is the answer to all Oldhamd perceived (not real) problems. For any one who doesn't think was a splendid use of £100,000 of your hard earned money let me re-educate you. This is more than just a pretty picture. This logo is the answer to most of our towns imagined (not real) problems. This hypnotic wheel of wonder can be used as a calming device against any of the ignorant people who don't understand our philosophy. Try it out, if you are feeling stressed, emotional or just plain angry at any of O.C's decisions then cut out the logo above, don't try to prinit i out as we deliberately designed it not to be printer friendly, pin it to your wall and have someone spin you round and round through 360 degrees until you know better or pass out. If you are a loner you can get one of those wheels like a knife throwing act might use but without the pretty assistant. She wouldn't help you concentrate as you live alone and it would be condescending to let a female assistant choose a career doing something she enjoyed anyway. Same with dwarves, those with physical specialities or any kind of animal.
Within minutes you will be transported to a secluded tropical beach in the balmy atmosphere sipping tequila while your troubles just melt away. Once your enforced spinning ceases and blood flow to your brain returns to normal you will begin to realise that the fantasy you just indulged in is really not so far removed from what's outside your own double bolted steel reinforced front door! Go on, look out there, we have beaches (you can pick up play sand from any of the local £1 stores located on every major throughfare), there is always a barmy atmosphere (try Yorkshire Street any weekend) and as for cheap booze we're awash with the stuff in Oldham! If you're infirm, elderly, a councillor or any other form of a drain on O.C.'s financial resources and can't get to Boozy Bobs Crazy Discount Booze and Fags, just get a local youth (anyone over 10 is fine really) to pop down there for you. You never know, the enterprising young swine might get you more than you bargained for?
Anyway, back to the fantastic LOGO.
Some say it contains healing powers but for anyone still not convinced let me tell you a secret. It's not just a logo. This 'logo' can act as a 24 / 7 security sentry. The reason it's round with concentric rings is not just indicative of money swirling down a drain, no it is that way because it is also a CCTV camera! Yep, we've got everything covered. Local hoodies (with or without hoods, they are all the same) acting up near a prominent member of the communities home? No problem, we'll see it all and instantly have friendly baton weilding security forces police move them to somewhere with less political clout or a more financialy desparate area.
Fights breaking out in town on a Friday night? Not any more. We'll have footage of it that can be watched over and over, footage that can be sold on to reality TV networks as we have already succesfully trialled. Remember citizen, we don't need to stop crime, we just need to see it, record it, explain it away! Get it? No? Than please call in at our new, hi tech re-education dept (Room 101, Ivory Tower, Cheapside) for helpful information and memory corrections while you wait. Please allow plenty of time. The LOGO should also serve as a healthy reminder that you are under constant surveillance by people who know better than you thanks to our ever watchful CCTV network.
Still not convinced? Ok what if I told you that the reason the logo looks so much like an eye is because IT IS! We can monitor everything that goes on in our brilliant town which now has no peoblems through a series of logos spread innocuously around the borough. Not only on billboards but by summer every household will have one of these covert security devices popped through their letter box. They don't come cheap but you'll understand where all those tax pennies go soon! Some might say they are a little like the telescreens in 1984 but they would just be wrong. These monitors are there simply for your own protection, revenue raising and general voyeuristic licence. Look out for the worlds largest logo being erected atop the Civic Centre in the coming months. It should look and act just like friendly Sauromans tower in the Lord Of The Rings films. If you haven't seen it yet get down to the Roxy cinema or any of Oldhams other bustling magic lantern projection centres.
Finally we found an unexpected benefit to the logo design, it gives every Oldhamer a focal point, somwhere you can aim a kiss or a welcoming smile to your local defenders and political greats. Think of it as a bullseye with good things in the centre. Rumours that the turquoise colour is defind by the use of methodone on the posters to give a hallucinogenic quality to you lot cannot be confirmed at this time.
And here's the best bit. We didn't just make a logo that will change everything, we also got what we shall call QUOTES!. These can be used to re-educate any lesser people who do not understand what a wonderful panacea we live in.
Here are a selection of QUOTES you can use on anyone who doesn't care to think any more deeply than the first couple of words you speak. Use caution on anyone with an education or those who think deeply about things. They are dangerous and would seek to diminish the power and gravitas of the QUOTES.
It has been claimed that most of the quotes are only two words long because you have not been educated enough to link more than two words together into a cogent idea or thought. Thats just not true. We've given like loads of thought to it and the QUOTES have been tested on you and have had responses such as 'well good', 'top one man', 'nice one mate', 'sorted innit', 'get out of me face or I'll smack you', 'is you looking at mi pint', 'I don't want your filthy money, is this some kinda set up' and many others but you don't need to know them. You wouldn't understand anyway.
So here are the key phrases you'll need if you want to get by in Oldham on a day to day basis without getting stopped all of a piece or watched constantly or treated as a suspicious person.
Many Opportunities
Ignorance is Strength
One Location
Freedom is Slavery
Many Places
Oldham Is Cool
One Direction
One Finger
One Thumb
One Hackeyed Phrase
Keep Moving
One Vision
Fried Chicken
Flash Gordon's Alive
Gravy Train
Leave It
Pass me my expenses form
Goodbye
These QUOTES remain the intellectual property of O.C. and cannot be used to show Oldham in anything other than a good light. Should you be asked to explain what the QUOTES actually mean just point to the nearest LOGO and shout "Non beleiver" 3 times. One of our friendly enforcement staff will be on hand in minutes to re-educate the pagan.
"Yours, Emmanuel Goldstein"
PS the fact that the logo designed for Manchester central is almost identical is purely coincidental. The fact they are only down the road from Oldham is purely coincidental. Anyone suggesting any company pocketed £100k for ten minutes work copying an existing logo and putting a shine effect on it in Photoshop is a liar. Any any suggestion that anyone at O.C. has pocketed a fat cut of the £100k and spent it on a new motor and a fancy holiday. To Bali. For 2 weeks. Is making it up.
Oh Oldham. You've done it again. You had the chance to show the main parties that you are dissatisfied with their inaction but you didn't turn out! A lovely sunny day and most wards struggled to get 30% of those eligible to vote to do so. Well, you got what you deserved really. Labour again. The stats may temporarily show the council going to NOC but here's a prediction. Within a month or two at least one 'independent' councillor will switch to Labour. Maybe the 'independent' councillor who was at the election count wearing a vote Labour rosette? Another Oldham councillor who is voted in as one thing who switches allegiance to another group. Surely that can't be morally right?
The results in full can be found here.
My take on the local political parties.
Can be found here.
OMBC councillors allowances for 2003/04. It took me nine months to gain access to this simple "open" piece of information. Three emails, two telephone calls and a raft of excuses later, here's the list.
Saddleworth. 'Jewel in the crown of Oldham'. Saddleworth is far more important than any other section of the borough and it's only right and fitting that the township has it's own page. Saddleworth is the only reason Oldham continues to exist. Without Saddleworth, Oldhams economy would crumble in an instant so I hope you doff your cap as you pass through. You'll know you are heading in the right direction for Saddleworth because the road surface improves the closer you get and the more council staff you will see attending to the beautifully manicured areas parks, hedges, roadside plant displays etc. In short, you know you've arrived when you get to SADDLEWORTH!
Should you find yourself in a place with empty derilict shops, public parks full of broken bottles and youngsters with no public amenities, you've probably turned back on yourself and ended up back in Oldham or at least somewhere that is not Saddleworth. These kind of places are only there to serve the employment and shopping needs of Saddleworth and should be avoided.